Wedding enjoyed by no one but bride “Today is such a beautiful day,” said attendee Chris Barker, a second cousin of the groom, as he watched the newlyweds dance. “I can’t believe I’m stuck spending it at this stupid thing when I could be out playing golf.”

Noch eine Scheibe von THE ONION: Unlike the average American teen, who views sex as a healthy, mutually satisfying act between consenting adults, Zollner sees it as dirty, dangerous, illicit, shameful, mysterious, and frightening. But in spite of such negative associations, he places an exaggeratedly high value upon the physical act, calling it “the best” and “the only thing I think about.” Even more baffling and contradictory, Zollner regards beautiful women as sex objects simultaneously deserving of worship and disrespect. “Hot chicks are, like, the greatest thing in the whole world,” Zollner said. “But it’s weird, ‘cause even though they’re so awesome, most of them are, like, these total dumb bitches.”